마음을 잃다 - Nell


답답하다. 하고싶은 것도 많은데, 되는것도 없고. 긍정적인 생각하고 싶은데 꼭 생각이 가족이랑 친구들이랑 억매여 제대로 마음정리가 안된다.

모르겟다. 부활절 예배드리면서 생각한게 아빠한테 꼭 따뜻한 포응하고 싶다는 느낌이 왔다. 이번여름 한국가면 도착하는 공항에서 아빠가 픽업 할때 모은짐을 떤져내려놓고 뛰어가면서 아무 생각없이 아빠 팔에 안기고싶다.

Sewol Ferry

heart goes out to all of them.

especially those kids that have already sacrificed for other students and have died.

Finding Personal Projects
  1. Think back to what you loved when you were a child. If you wanted to be a fireman, what did a fireman mean to you? Think of these underlying impulses because you may have known more about who you were then than you do now. 
  2. Pay attention to the work you gravitate to. Even given a certain task, is there a particular area you love?
  3. Pay attention to what you envy. Jealousy is an ugly emotion but it tells the truth. Ask yourself who you envy, and you should have an answer and pursue your own version of those roles.

Quiet by Susan Cain is a book I’ve been reading and this section hit me hard. Especially as career goals comes up as a college student. 

I remember used to really like toys. Toy cars and legos were my favorite. I would spend hours just reorganizing its structure and admiring my hard work. I also like watching wrestling. but idk if there’s any underlying impulses for that. I hope not.

Relevancy is a huge factor for the work I gravitate to. Unless I feel the motivation to learn something because it matters, I usually quit.

I don’t know who I envy. I just generally like people that are able to be themselves and do big things. Sam Walton, Ayrton Senna seem like really cool people tho.

biggest fear

My biggest fear is that I’ll value and obsess over numbers. I just hope numbers won’t cause me to get angry or happy. Right now these numbers are probably my test scores and GPA, but in the future, it’ll probably be money, without a doubt. 

I just think its pretty shallow when you value quantity over quality. I want to keep my focus on the big picture and not on incremental changes. If everyone shares this perspective, it would change school admissions, job searches, and just overall dynamics of society.